Love of my Life

Love of my Life

Heart Mother

One day my world came crashing down,I'll never be the same.They told me that my child was sick.I thought, "am I to blame"?I don't think I can handle this.I am really not that strong.It seemed my heart was breaking.I have loved him for so long.I will not give up on this child.I will listen to your advice.I will give my child any chance.No matter what the price.I will learn all that I need to help my child thrive.I'll even use that feeding tube.My child must survive!Will he need a lot of therapy?Will he gain the needed weight?Please God, help me do this.I will accept our fate.When the monitors beep at night, it serves as my reminder.How many parents would love that sound.Tomorrow I will be kinder.As another Angel earns his wings,I run to my child's bed.I watch him sleep for quite a while.I bend down and kiss his head.I cry for the parents whose hearts have been broken.I look to You wondering why?Oh Lord, I just can't know your matter how I try.And yet, I trust you hold his life, and guide us through each day.My mind says savor each moment he's here,but my heart begs, "PLEASE let him stay"!From pacing the surgical waiting room, to sitting by his bed.From wishing for a good nights sleep, to learning every med.From wondering, "will he be alright?", to watching him reach out his hands.With every smile my heart just melts, despite life's harsh demands.For all who see that faded line.I look to them and smile.You see my child is loved so much.I would face ANY trial.That scar I trace with my finger (It's the door to his beautiful heart).God must have known how much I'd love him (Just as He loved him from the start).A heart mom is always a heart mom.Now wise beyond her years.For those who have angels in heaven,Our hearts share in all of your tears.Every day I will try and remember,I was chosen for him (and no other).I will always embrace that beautiful day.......When I became a "Heart Mother"

Thursday, March 11, 2010

When Information can hurt......

Yesterday we went to salt lake to get my mac fixed I lost the hard drive!!! On the way down I looked back and saw josslyn holding Connors hand she does it every time they are in the car together. Its like she wants him to know he is not alone !!! What a good big sister she is. I am so luck to have such wonderful children.

I woke up to feed Connor in the middle of the night well it was 4am, he fell asleep but I couldnt. I started researching the internet on HRHS and found out that back in September of 09 that Boston medical started doing surgery on fetus's that had HRHS and made it possible that when they were born that they no longer had that condition. I am so mad why didnt that Doctor find it why? I know I can't turn back time but it makes me hurt to know I could of helped my baby if that  doctor would of taken the time to do his job on the ultra sound. I also came upon a study of women that had ultra sounds not high risk ones like me just the norm and they that found the heart defects. It said in the article that all  defects connor has should of been found .
 I am struggling today, in the back of my mind I'll I can think about is I could of fixed my baby and he wouldn't have had to go through all this.

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