Love of my Life

Love of my Life

Heart Mother

One day my world came crashing down,I'll never be the same.They told me that my child was sick.I thought, "am I to blame"?I don't think I can handle this.I am really not that strong.It seemed my heart was breaking.I have loved him for so long.I will not give up on this child.I will listen to your advice.I will give my child any chance.No matter what the price.I will learn all that I need to help my child thrive.I'll even use that feeding tube.My child must survive!Will he need a lot of therapy?Will he gain the needed weight?Please God, help me do this.I will accept our fate.When the monitors beep at night, it serves as my reminder.How many parents would love that sound.Tomorrow I will be kinder.As another Angel earns his wings,I run to my child's bed.I watch him sleep for quite a while.I bend down and kiss his head.I cry for the parents whose hearts have been broken.I look to You wondering why?Oh Lord, I just can't know your matter how I try.And yet, I trust you hold his life, and guide us through each day.My mind says savor each moment he's here,but my heart begs, "PLEASE let him stay"!From pacing the surgical waiting room, to sitting by his bed.From wishing for a good nights sleep, to learning every med.From wondering, "will he be alright?", to watching him reach out his hands.With every smile my heart just melts, despite life's harsh demands.For all who see that faded line.I look to them and smile.You see my child is loved so much.I would face ANY trial.That scar I trace with my finger (It's the door to his beautiful heart).God must have known how much I'd love him (Just as He loved him from the start).A heart mom is always a heart mom.Now wise beyond her years.For those who have angels in heaven,Our hearts share in all of your tears.Every day I will try and remember,I was chosen for him (and no other).I will always embrace that beautiful day.......When I became a "Heart Mother"

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!

Where do we begin or start I started this blog to vent to say what could say to people around me the pain my heart was in was unbearable

We have moments minutes seconds where things slowly become normal again a new normal but normal and time flys by

Connor is a light of my life he's personality has surpassed what could ever imagine his zest for living his compassion and love for others is amazing

The kid is great at sports basketball is his favorite then soccer and baseball he has a amazing arm this might be his sport !!!

His heart is strong and we wait each year to go in everything is looking favorable but my heart hurts for the day he might not be able to the sports he loves

My kids are doing well I'm ok life is good

We all have struggles but we push through

Here's some highlights of Connors did I mention he had his wish granted by make a wish it was magic seeing him see lightening McQueen and what Disney did for my little boy never forgotten the three days of delight and wonder he truly believes they are alive and that's fine by me
He held his little lightening McQueen through all his surgeries it what gave him joy to see his eyes light up I could not hold back tears it was sureal
space mountain  the log flume are his favorites and the cars ride is the top ride of all times I think we rode it 25 times it was amazing days for a well deserved little man

Another milestone Connor Started kindergarten this year in Mrs Owens class
can I tell you how he loves school having friends learning and doing what we all take for granted just being normal
Dropping him off at school the kids where fighting over who gets to sit by Connor I almost cried
I worried everyday as he got older would he fit in would he be ok and when the time came he's beyond anything I could imagine he's thriving thriving , does the heart good

He also started playing soccer thanks to a dear friend inviting us to come play on a city team and sweet Michael was nice enough to coach the team he keeps up and runs and tells the players get out of my way lol he's so competitive it is hilarious to watch he makes a great goalie too

All and all Connor is a fighter

I promise to keep my writing up it needs to be done sometimes you just forgot and fall into the norm of life

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Tender mercies

I lost my way ..... Lately life has been a little hard to find time to sit and write!

Life has a funny way of reminding me that we are not a normal family I have a sick child and one day we will be transplanting one way or another there is the fact of it

 I am christian my beliefs are the same as everyone that believes in God just don't know why there is one right religion when I know god loves us all

I have a hard time thinking just because some one practiced being a Catholic or Buddhist that he will judge them.

 I believe in being good looking for the best you can be, Be honest, Be truthful, Be forgiving and unjudgemental that's what I believe so that being said

I have been lost I looked to my heart world of unknown friends for a place I belonged!!! I blog stocked and face booked to see how all were doing
 felt like I found my place, gave advice when I thought I could make a difference and went along with my day to day

It all can come apart in a few messages sent on face book can shatter the feeling of belonging to a fantastic loving group of women. I felt lost

It all start with a flower arrangement for a heart mom that lost her little four year old that I held dear to my heart and I felt attacked that I had done something insensitive to give her a heart arrangement to be kept on her grave site. I wanted to do something to help me heal and I knew I couldn't sit and watch my friend in such pain I wanted to send something to show how much I loved Kylie but it all felt wrong after the face book comments

I am lost in reality of loss !! I love my son more then I can explain and not to know what our future holds is painful and it makes you mad and lost in this world

I see my friends kids pass away and it feels like the future is looking dim and I cant handle it all sometimes I have to get away from it all

 but cant!!!!................ you just feel lost

I fly sometimes and see how the people act and the lost feeling grows stronger.

 I wish I could find my tender Mercies and do something that mean something in life

 I am away from my children putting up with rude co workers and the crap that goes on lets say the things that married people do away from their spouses is down right stupid and it makes me want to run to something better then this place of hell

I just get lost

I feel left out because I am not LDS and not a girl willing to go out on overnights to drink and party I am almost 40 for goodness sake when will the people I work with grow up!!!

Then when one night as I was planning the Easter surprise for my kids I get a text from a person I have never met and it changes your heart She explained that after she heard of Connor's surgeries and wanted to give him the gift I wanted to purchase but was trying to come up with the money to make it happen

They have never met us and they are doing this for him out of the goodness of their heart!!!

 how one act can make you feel like you are not lost and there's good in people in this world

Tender Mercies

My neighbor that has always been there for me came over two nights before crying she was told some awful news and was having to face losing her breast or her life we talked hugged and I've checked on her since

Then today she comes in and sits and tells me how I am her only true friend that no one else has she told and how much I mean to her it makes you feel the love that people do have in this world

Tender Mercies

I didn't realize all this until I found the story of Mitchell their little boy past away just a few weeks ago and the father spoke about tender mercies you don't realize we all have them we just maybe to mad angry hurt or lost to see what god sends to us little signs little hugs from heaven to say its all worth it just keep on swimming you see he sends his love from others to show you your not lost

Next time you feel the hopelessness  just look for the tender mercies

Its there you just need to open your heart to feel it

I may be lost hurt struggling at the end of the day I have my true friends my love of my life my children and that's all I need

My Tender mercies the miracles of life my Children and the love I feel with each hug and kiss

Sunday, December 30, 2012

My beautiful beautiful Birthday boy

Today's the day Connor is 3 !!!!!

He is amazing !!!!

Connor talks up a storm and copy's everything that is said good and bad makes me laugh he is amazing!!!

Last week he potty trained him self !!!  The best thing is that he says " I amazing " After he is done with using the potty

This boy of mine is so so smart and takes every little thing in,

 He plays on his Ipad and runs it better then I can

 knows how to look up apps and when he finds one he wants comes to me to put the password in and if I say no he runs to dad which never says no !

He is amazing

On the 19th of December we returned to Primaries children's for his 8 month check up since the Fontan and he is 38 inches tall 34 lbs and Sat's at 93 AMAZING

Dr Williams said whatever we are doing keep it up!!!
 In June we go back for a echo

Christmas was so much fun Joss and Connor were so fun to watch coming out to see what Santa had brought them, Connor's face was priceless he loves his play castle and choo choo

I cant not believe that it has been three years since we Life flighted his little body to Primary's

Three Open Heart Surgeries

Three Amazing years

This little boy makes our life amazing

Wishing for more & more birthdays and more amazing days watching him grow

My little boy you have my heart my love and soul you are my everything !!!!

Happy Birthday my Love

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Alittle time gone

Life sometimes takes over and it left me with little to say

Connor is the joy in my heart the light of my life and makes everyday worth waking up to see his smiling face playing cars all over my bed the floor kitchen and every nook and cranny

Some updates We have been lucky enough to have Michael move in with us he is My husbands first born. Change is always hard but it didn't take much to add him to the everyday hustle bustle of our days

I talked about making money changes to keep up with medical bills and days off during his surgery well I guess God knew we needed to have Michael here with us to guide him to make good choices and watch over him, paying his mom child support while he lives here is a new concept for me don't know how anyone would feel right in making someone pay double but I am here to do whats best for Michael and that's what Shane and I have done

Whitt is growing up getting all the boy crazy stuff, parties with friends to talk about ??? Boys

it funny to see how it never changes.......praying for strength to get through my children's teenager stage

Joss broke her arm day before Halloween at the new jumpy house place in Logan thank heavens the cast is now off but it is never boring here I tell ya

Shane and I have gone to our counseling to deal with my Post traumatic syndrome and help us to become better at communicating and survive this crazy life with ex's and step children and medical fragile child and financial struggles

God sent Allen to us even though the last two weeks has been crazy and we haven't been able to go his guide lines reflect in our day to day with people we know and our children

I have felt pain beyond belief hard to explain my heart sisters little girl Mia passed away on her make a wish trip and made me remember that life can be taken at any minute

I felt the bottom drop out underneath me... Mia had a heart transplant was 4 had no signs and was a light in my life and hope that life will be better with a transplant and then she was gone

I understand this is gods plan that we are not in charge I beg everyday to take me not my boy I just want him to grow and have everything in life I know my friends don't get it my husband doesn't understand my sorrow or why I might be moody or upset

I want a cure for my son I look and look at the research at Bostons children looking for the hope or knowledge that we can do something

My sister that has gone through her personal hell for the last 6 years told me something the other day
Her strength is amazing
She told me to .................................. JUST BREATH...

Shes right that's all I can do just breath and continue on with the hope
 just look at that face it worth it all.....

Sunday, September 16, 2012

all my life

For all my working life I have pretty much worked at the same place I LOVE my job it does have its ups and downs, cattiness because it is mostly women that I work with but in the end the the true friends I have made have stayed close and still have that fun time when we all get together

This last Thursday I had the chance to go to my VP house and have Brunch with all my friends that started at the same time as I 15 Year's yes that's right all my twenty's were spent at this job they stole my youth!!!

It was fun to just be there and listen to all our plane story's and be silly it felt like we were all twenty again !!

I hope we can do this again but not wait as long
Love these girls

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Summer 2012

Summer is fading in the back ground and I have not posted what we were up to!!!

Here are the highlights of the Summer

Promise to update more often this full time work is kicking my butt

Thursday, August 9, 2012


`Life has been normal as normal it can be with a 2 1/2 year old that now runs laps around me !!! I am so so old too old for a 2 year old lately I've been so tired 

I guess it could be that Work had me go full time and my step son moved up with us!!! And I don't sleep well don't know why but I don't!

It all has made me down right tired..... I just want to sleep for a day and see if it goes away LOL

Kids are getting ready for school and fall will be here soon enough I am trying to squeeze a few summer activities in before we cant venture out and have to stick to being at home routine etc 

Connor's check up went well he looks good (knock on wood) and don't have to go back until December to check on him again and Dr Williams said maybe after that Once year for a check up !!! I don't know if I like the idea it makes me nervous but in a way I don't know what to do if we are not traveling or worrying about Connors special heart 

I worry still looking up the newest and latest on heart surgeries and meds! I hate to leave for days for my work yes I said days being full time I leave for two to three days at a time I worry when they call me my heart stops and when they don't I sometimes think I need meds to stop the thinking and worrying

Connor has added words to his vocabulary such as: Yes, Mine, OOO Shit, McQueen, get it for me and allot more it is funny you have to really listen to hear some of his words but he is getting better and clearer as the months go by

I cant believe he will 3 at the end of this year 

Every night he cuddles up with me and holds my face and kisses me and hums to me 

He loves his baby dolls and his sisters sparkly shoes  with is so so funny to see him walking around in jossy shoes

We had some changes We sold my Honda pilot for a Ford f150 and it works and saved us so much to get rid of my shiny pretty car I admit I cried as they drove it away

refinanced  our house to lower the payment 

and with those changes I am hoping it will help with the large book of medical bills We just received from the hospital 

a few blessings from a few changes 

One bad thing we came home from our funeral and our air conditioner was kaput 

So a new one it will be 

it always is something right??

I have some good people that have helped when things have been hard and bleak it really tells you who you can count on when things get tough 

Lesson in life when we have to take a month 4 months earlier then we planned and hadn't had a penny saved it hits hard at home and takes awhile to rebound to those who have helped I am forever in my heart and I believe in Karma good karma is coming your way for sure

All is well I am going to sit down and rest maybe if Connor or the house of kids don't need me for 30 sec 

Love to all