Love of my Life

Love of my Life

Heart Mother

One day my world came crashing down,I'll never be the same.They told me that my child was sick.I thought, "am I to blame"?I don't think I can handle this.I am really not that strong.It seemed my heart was breaking.I have loved him for so long.I will not give up on this child.I will listen to your advice.I will give my child any chance.No matter what the price.I will learn all that I need to help my child thrive.I'll even use that feeding tube.My child must survive!Will he need a lot of therapy?Will he gain the needed weight?Please God, help me do this.I will accept our fate.When the monitors beep at night, it serves as my reminder.How many parents would love that sound.Tomorrow I will be kinder.As another Angel earns his wings,I run to my child's bed.I watch him sleep for quite a while.I bend down and kiss his head.I cry for the parents whose hearts have been broken.I look to You wondering why?Oh Lord, I just can't know your matter how I try.And yet, I trust you hold his life, and guide us through each day.My mind says savor each moment he's here,but my heart begs, "PLEASE let him stay"!From pacing the surgical waiting room, to sitting by his bed.From wishing for a good nights sleep, to learning every med.From wondering, "will he be alright?", to watching him reach out his hands.With every smile my heart just melts, despite life's harsh demands.For all who see that faded line.I look to them and smile.You see my child is loved so much.I would face ANY trial.That scar I trace with my finger (It's the door to his beautiful heart).God must have known how much I'd love him (Just as He loved him from the start).A heart mom is always a heart mom.Now wise beyond her years.For those who have angels in heaven,Our hearts share in all of your tears.Every day I will try and remember,I was chosen for him (and no other).I will always embrace that beautiful day.......When I became a "Heart Mother"

Sunday, April 18, 2010

my ray of sunshine

Today we are home alone just Whittney, joss and my little connor man. I watch as joss plays and loves connor and he laughs and talks. He makes my heart grow with LOVE.......I am having a hard day dont get me wrong I am so so grateful for him I just  shouldnt  think about the future it makes my body ache and I just want some one to make it stop but they can't.

I have my good days when I see the sun shine in everything and then it starts that nagging feeling in the bottom of my heart, the unknown ......It grows and grows as I watch my little boy laugh and smile I can not make it with out him I just cant. I want everyday to stop so I can freeze time. I am a control freak I want to plan the future to the tee and I can't and its killing me little by little.

I read my heart friends blogs and my husband says it is a bad thing to do. But I feel for these moms I know the pain and hurt that comes with the badge of being a heart mom.

So today I stayed in doors and loved and snuggled my babies and cryed when they were asleep.... it's what I need. Tomorrow I will see the sunshine :)

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