Love of my Life

Love of my Life

Heart Mother

One day my world came crashing down,I'll never be the same.They told me that my child was sick.I thought, "am I to blame"?I don't think I can handle this.I am really not that strong.It seemed my heart was breaking.I have loved him for so long.I will not give up on this child.I will listen to your advice.I will give my child any chance.No matter what the price.I will learn all that I need to help my child thrive.I'll even use that feeding tube.My child must survive!Will he need a lot of therapy?Will he gain the needed weight?Please God, help me do this.I will accept our fate.When the monitors beep at night, it serves as my reminder.How many parents would love that sound.Tomorrow I will be kinder.As another Angel earns his wings,I run to my child's bed.I watch him sleep for quite a while.I bend down and kiss his head.I cry for the parents whose hearts have been broken.I look to You wondering why?Oh Lord, I just can't know your matter how I try.And yet, I trust you hold his life, and guide us through each day.My mind says savor each moment he's here,but my heart begs, "PLEASE let him stay"!From pacing the surgical waiting room, to sitting by his bed.From wishing for a good nights sleep, to learning every med.From wondering, "will he be alright?", to watching him reach out his hands.With every smile my heart just melts, despite life's harsh demands.For all who see that faded line.I look to them and smile.You see my child is loved so much.I would face ANY trial.That scar I trace with my finger (It's the door to his beautiful heart).God must have known how much I'd love him (Just as He loved him from the start).A heart mom is always a heart mom.Now wise beyond her years.For those who have angels in heaven,Our hearts share in all of your tears.Every day I will try and remember,I was chosen for him (and no other).I will always embrace that beautiful day.......When I became a "Heart Mother"

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Hurt and Angry

I started this blog to keep my family up to date about little connor and to share my private thoughts. Its a kind of therapy for me. When I can't talk to those around me I can express my self on this without judgment or conditions. Its my blog I will not have those parties around me control how I feel or tell me what I can write.

A few months back I received a letter....... maybe the person that sent it didnt think before he wrote it.... It hurt me to the core and I can't forgive that person or their family for sending it to me.

I was told that I was to blame for Connors heart defect and that if I could only change my ways (wicked as they may be) He would be healed.

Many times over have blamed myself .....The guilt I feel every time my little boy crys out in pain and I see what he has to endure. Trust me I blame myself.

I have a temper but held it in........ at the time I needed to help my baby and I was over loaded with all the events that were unfolding.

This letter hurt it went right to my heart, You see this family has always treated me bad.......never welcoming me in ..........doing everthing they can to hurt my husband and me and my children.
 I took the upper road and held my head high. Not to say my temper showed its ugly self every couple times and I spoke my mind to those parties but it had a price. And it when it came down to it only hurt my our relationship and my children.

I got a letter addressed to my husband yesterday ( Thats their way of making me feel not apart of the family wedding invites and so on never are addressed to both of us just shane.) attacking us saying how dare we speak up ( I had emailed the guilty parties about the letter they had sent to me I couldnt let it go.) And saying  that the parties are really good people and have done so much blah blah blah blah. It was three or more pages long ............................................

I am so hurt I need to focus on my Child right now not on those parties that wrote those letters because they feel they are better or more religous then I.

I posted these messages on my face book tonite

Sheri Ivy Baker Murphy I want it all to stop I have 4 days untill my sons operation and I will not cry one more tear because of you. You know who you are!!!!! how selfish can you two be. Most important I want all that LOVE and Support me to pray for my Connor he will go through the biggest surgery to date and we need your Prayers for him :) Thats all that matters

2 seconds ago · Only Friends · Comment ·LikeUnlike

Write a comment.....Sheri Ivy Baker Murphy I want guilty parties to know it stops here!!!!!! no more harrassing emails no more letters sent to my home. I will not put up with it I do not believe that I am to blame for connors defect just because I am not LDS as the letter that was sent to me. God does not punish the wicked as the letter stated and just because I am change my ways as you so put it does not make him recover. You have no right to send me letters
I know the hail storm that will come but you dont know me very well do you if you attack me......
 I will stand up for my family and my children no matter what.
 My family taught me that and I will always do what in my heart feels right.
To all that LOVE me and KNOW me I am hurting, I cry every night, I pray every night......... I dont attend church....... I do believe in GOD And Miracles . I just dont believe in the people that judge me because I dont do what they do!!!!
I hope you all understand I needed to write this as the day getts closer to connors surgery my heart and soul are heavy. I need all your help to help me through this I am not SUPER WOMEN I am just a scared mom not knowing how to handle all the feelings that come with this and I am trying to hold it all together

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