Love of my Life

Love of my Life

Heart Mother

One day my world came crashing down,I'll never be the same.They told me that my child was sick.I thought, "am I to blame"?I don't think I can handle this.I am really not that strong.It seemed my heart was breaking.I have loved him for so long.I will not give up on this child.I will listen to your advice.I will give my child any chance.No matter what the price.I will learn all that I need to help my child thrive.I'll even use that feeding tube.My child must survive!Will he need a lot of therapy?Will he gain the needed weight?Please God, help me do this.I will accept our fate.When the monitors beep at night, it serves as my reminder.How many parents would love that sound.Tomorrow I will be kinder.As another Angel earns his wings,I run to my child's bed.I watch him sleep for quite a while.I bend down and kiss his head.I cry for the parents whose hearts have been broken.I look to You wondering why?Oh Lord, I just can't know your matter how I try.And yet, I trust you hold his life, and guide us through each day.My mind says savor each moment he's here,but my heart begs, "PLEASE let him stay"!From pacing the surgical waiting room, to sitting by his bed.From wishing for a good nights sleep, to learning every med.From wondering, "will he be alright?", to watching him reach out his hands.With every smile my heart just melts, despite life's harsh demands.For all who see that faded line.I look to them and smile.You see my child is loved so much.I would face ANY trial.That scar I trace with my finger (It's the door to his beautiful heart).God must have known how much I'd love him (Just as He loved him from the start).A heart mom is always a heart mom.Now wise beyond her years.For those who have angels in heaven,Our hearts share in all of your tears.Every day I will try and remember,I was chosen for him (and no other).I will always embrace that beautiful day.......When I became a "Heart Mother"

Friday, May 7, 2010

Sometimes its just a hard day

Connor man is having a hard day he just can not get comfortable which turns into he just can not sleep which leads into he can not eat its a bad circle to be in and today is our day.

He had some morphine and he started having a reaction to it he was squirming all over the place and just couldn't hold still. He was so unhappy then on top of it today Bonnie our nurse from the surgical side had to pull the everything out that he had in is chest and the lead wires that are in his heart looked like it hurts like hell. But being a strong boy that Connor is he really didn't make a peep.

Connors now on a bigger dose for his heart function and hopeful today he will eat more........So far we have only lost a pound but every pound is one that we worked so hard to put on in the first place and we do not want to go backwards.......... sometimes I wish  I could transfer my extra weight over to him :0

Sitting here in his room I start to wonder why this little one was chosen for this little body and why would anyone agree to come to earth and have all this pain and suffering. I want and choose to believe that in heaven Connor knew that he would have all this and still wanted to be apart of our family. My sister told me that he did know and that he was so special in heaven beyond anything we could be and are that he wanted a challenge and that he signed up for this body and he knew that his life would be hard and he would forever be ill and he still came to earth.............. He is amazing

I know that being his mother I will do everything in my power and beyond to make his life on this earth be the best it can be.

Everyone tells me that God knew I could do this and sometimes I wonder why he would think such things.................... until now did not know what it means to put some one before yourself as I do now. Having Connor has shown me that when things happen you adapt to evolve. you research and try to gain knowledge to know what  I need to do when he needs each procedure and how I can and will work towards his life here on earth................................ My life has forever changed.
 I am far from perfect and I don't always control my temper but I know for dam sure when it comes to my family my children, my husband They are the reason I breath everyday without them I am not whole.

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