I do not sleep untill I fall fast asleep because I just can not hold out, my body just does what it needs sometimes even though I fight it............................You see, I worry that my baby will need me and I will not know it. My friend that has been here to help comes and watches him at night so I can be at peace and sleep but even with her I still wake to look at him..........I just need to know he is alright and then I can sleep for a few minutes.............
I am grateful for his life and his love. I have struggled in my everyday routine to go on as usual like all is well when in my mind all the feelings and thoughts racing all the time. It is so hard to explain I just can not take anything more.............
For the summer we get the joy of the step kids which I prayed would just go like clock work...............Here's what I thought .....................................The ex knows what has been going on and this year she will just let us be......8 weeks to have fun and let everyone play and enjoy and just be ............And what really went down is a different story................... I was told how I am mean to the one child....................................I have been trying to hard to just be a good mom and then add trying to be good step mom............everything you do is under the microscope and then told in the words of the children and how the story grows...............My children have told me how I treat the step kids better then them for years ............In my mind they are all my children not his or her or ours..................................................... just mine..........
I am not their mom just a friend but that was thrown in my face that I am more a friend then a parent too.............................My ex remarried their step mom well they had a awful time she just didnt help them with anything I vowed that I would always be there for the kids no matter mine or not but it has hurt me and I just dont need that I am struggling to just be.
When a your told the child does not want to come because of you when you have done everything for them it hurts. I am mean I tell them not to text their mom I do this I do that..................I am the one that feeds your child if she is hungry, I am the one that washes their clothes, Takes them shopping for gifts if you want to buy their mom gifts. The one who sends the birthday gifts. Checks and books their flights here and home. Makes their list and buys their gifts for christmas, keeps them safe and make their favorite dish when they get here. Takes them on adventures and buys them what they want. But in the end I failed and now I am told I DONT WANT TO COME BECAUSE OF ME!!!!!
Tonite I am sad and just want to BE.
I know one day I will look back and understand but tonite I just don't. I hurt and cry and feel everything .
1 comment:
I am SOO sorry Ivy. Sometimes the trials that we have in life seem so unfair--- completely and entirely. I lived in a circumstance like this when I was young. It was REAAAlllllly hard on us kids. I think that they just wish that there was some kind of normal. It will get easier, better, and you know what? You just keep doing the best that you know how. And at the end of the day.... you just need to do what is best for you and your little ones. You are such a sweet Mother. Don't let the pain of hurt make you feel any different. You have a lot going on and I pray that you take some time to do something that is comforting to YOU. I'm sorry. There is sooo much pain to be felt in this life, but I KNOW that has to mean that where Stephen is...... is quite the opposite and that we will all be deserving of that same amount of joy that he's experiencing, someday.
“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow."
Keep on going. Keep on trying. You have people pulling for you. Your life and response to your trials strengthens my faith and and inspires me to want to keep on fighting.
love ya,
Jess
PS--- Jess Bowman
11 w. 3rd s.
Soda Springs, Id 83276
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