Love of my Life

Love of my Life

Heart Mother

One day my world came crashing down,I'll never be the same.They told me that my child was sick.I thought, "am I to blame"?I don't think I can handle this.I am really not that strong.It seemed my heart was breaking.I have loved him for so long.I will not give up on this child.I will listen to your advice.I will give my child any chance.No matter what the price.I will learn all that I need to help my child thrive.I'll even use that feeding tube.My child must survive!Will he need a lot of therapy?Will he gain the needed weight?Please God, help me do this.I will accept our fate.When the monitors beep at night, it serves as my reminder.How many parents would love that sound.Tomorrow I will be kinder.As another Angel earns his wings,I run to my child's bed.I watch him sleep for quite a while.I bend down and kiss his head.I cry for the parents whose hearts have been broken.I look to You wondering why?Oh Lord, I just can't know your matter how I try.And yet, I trust you hold his life, and guide us through each day.My mind says savor each moment he's here,but my heart begs, "PLEASE let him stay"!From pacing the surgical waiting room, to sitting by his bed.From wishing for a good nights sleep, to learning every med.From wondering, "will he be alright?", to watching him reach out his hands.With every smile my heart just melts, despite life's harsh demands.For all who see that faded line.I look to them and smile.You see my child is loved so much.I would face ANY trial.That scar I trace with my finger (It's the door to his beautiful heart).God must have known how much I'd love him (Just as He loved him from the start).A heart mom is always a heart mom.Now wise beyond her years.For those who have angels in heaven,Our hearts share in all of your tears.Every day I will try and remember,I was chosen for him (and no other).I will always embrace that beautiful day.......When I became a "Heart Mother"

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Winter and Snow and more snow

For the last couple of weeks we have had so much snow that I am ready for spring already ??!!!!

Thanksgiving was fun and busy, My mom came down with the flu so we had dinner at my sisters house. unlike years past we all as a family gather together..................... this year everyone did their own thing which made me feel sad.
 I know We all have our own families but I look forward being together with my brothers and sister. Maybe it is the winter that is giving me the blues or just a rough time with going back to work and the worry of christmas????
 I look forward to our family gatherings and this year felt like our family just fell apart.

 Thank heavens My oldest sister pulled off a fabulous dinner and other sister came too to make the yummy goodies at the end, it was the just us three and that was fine by me. It was nice that my oldest sister knew that we still needed to be together for the holiday

One thing that I have learned from the past year is that you just don't take life for granted!!!!!!!!!!

Connors doctors appointment is coming up fast and I worry about all the what if's.........
 I seem to be slipping into crying when there is no one around and I can't for the life of me figure out why. I am so grateful for Connor and the progress we have made. Its the all the what if's that came in the back of my mind that have been winning a lot these days.

I am use to stress around the holidays and I am use to having a lot going on I just wish I could escape with my kids and get away from bills, Work, Fights over not enough time spent and taking for granted who you have around you and just The world.......
 I just want to be together doing whatever we like without  the normal clutter of Life.................

I guess its one of the days when you get home from work having to clean, clear snow do laundry and deal with well just life that makes you feel the weight of the world.

I know tomorrow will be better and hopefully no more snow to clear since I just clear 3 feet of it off my drive way and my neighbors........................

1 comment:

One Happy Heart Family said...

Sounds like a crazy time :0) I can't believe how much snow you got!! Ours is gone now!! LOL

Hey your completly NORMAL!! To feel the way you do!! Things are so busy for you right now!! I know when I am alone and have too much quite time I THINK, THINK WAY TOO MUCH!! Yes I am so thankful for Kylie and the fact that I still have her, but again every day is such a struggle to wake up, well sleep through the night cause I check on her to make sure she is breathing every hour, sad I know but the truth. When I see her slow down, turn blue and start coughing knowing it's her heart makes life so hard, but on the other hand, she is happy, not too sick, not in the hospital. It's so easy for me to slip back into despair when those dreaded appointments that can literally change our life are around the corner. Kylie's sedated echo is in Feb and of course I can't forget about it for a minite!! It's so dragging and stressful!! Yes I find myself bawling at the drop of a dime and LOL DON'T KNOW WHY!!! :0) I think it's so okay for us fellow heart moms to plee insainity. Really the things we have been through, going through and will face in our future is enough to send anyone running away! Thats why I think our tender little babies chose us, they knew it would be hard, stressfull, tearfull, but they knew we would be thier rock when the storms start rolling in!! It's so crazy, I look back in the "befores" and really can't see myself handling anything like this ever. I was so quiet and laid back, now I am not afraid to be blunt and get what I want. I will keep your little Frog in my prayers!! I know things will be fine and your storm will come to an end!! Well at least until the next one LOL Sorry to say that, but we are never done LOL Good Luck with the busy holidays! Hope your family has a great one!! I am really second guessing if we should just stay home and not "risk" it!! Just cause her Fontan could be so close, not good to chance it, plus no synagis this year :0( boo huh??? Thanks for being such a great person Ivy!! I really look up to you and hope one of these days we can just hang out and chat??? Love ya, Chrissie

sorry for the novel