Connor has given me so many things to be thankful for and being his mom is the joy of my life, You see I was the lucky one I had so much a good husband that sometimes I didn't want to run over :) and back up and do it again beautiful children a warm home a good job. Don't think my life is a fairy tale I have had my ups and downs and I choose to move forward and learn from my bumps in the road ( Divorce, Abuse, Struggle with baby blues etc.) but all are in the past and I took life for granted!!! All the little things I just rushed through my day thinking only of myself not how I should never take for granted my children but in away I did. I have three children from my first marriage, being young and absolutely stupid I took their life for granted I was too busy to realize one day they would be grown and too busy for me. I had my first with my new husband and things were so tough then I worked a lot to make ends meet and never slowed down to enjoy my little whittney then when she was 7 I became pregnant with Josslyn it was unexpected but I wanted a new baby I was older and so I thought wiser when she was born she brought such joy and peace to me that I overly joyed to be a mom again. 9 months went by and I was so so tired that I went to the doctors to see if I had a problem yes there was a problem Houston but nothing 7 more months wouldn't solve. I was unsettled and just shocked to be prego again the hard part was my husband yes the one I want to run over half the time hates prego ladies .......Yes he hates me getting big and fat as he calls it and being pregnant with him is so so much fun I was sad to tell him that I was expecting another and expected a hell storm from him when I told him. The pregnancy went on and I kept on feeling something was wrong not sure what I just knew. I also felt so sad since my husband was so unhappy with me prego I just kept on thinking if I have this baby it all will be better just push on then Connor was born and the rest is history.
When all was said and done the guilt I had for Connor's condition that I felt that in someway I was to blame and yes I still feel that pain.....
I think back when I was prego that maybe if I wasn't sad most of the time I would of have had a healthy baby or maybe god knew that I needed Connor to put my life in prospective who knows just a lot of guilt
I feel that I have been given so much and learned more about life, love, what it is to feel such pain that I have aged well beyond my age, I go to work and hear all the women gossiping and talking and I feel so out of it..........I just don't care and I know I don't belong with them. I sometimes feel alone and find myself seeking the comfort of my stalking on the blogs to feel where I do belong.
I am forever grateful for my children for putting up with all my mistakes, my wrong turns, my I was just to dumb and young to know. I hope with all I have done they turn out to be better person have
...........Integrity
................... Truth
...................... A good loving person to all
okay I am done rambling on on but remember this is my therapy and sometimes this is what I need :)
No comments:
Post a Comment