Love of my Life

Love of my Life

Heart Mother

One day my world came crashing down,I'll never be the same.They told me that my child was sick.I thought, "am I to blame"?I don't think I can handle this.I am really not that strong.It seemed my heart was breaking.I have loved him for so long.I will not give up on this child.I will listen to your advice.I will give my child any chance.No matter what the price.I will learn all that I need to help my child thrive.I'll even use that feeding tube.My child must survive!Will he need a lot of therapy?Will he gain the needed weight?Please God, help me do this.I will accept our fate.When the monitors beep at night, it serves as my reminder.How many parents would love that sound.Tomorrow I will be kinder.As another Angel earns his wings,I run to my child's bed.I watch him sleep for quite a while.I bend down and kiss his head.I cry for the parents whose hearts have been broken.I look to You wondering why?Oh Lord, I just can't know your matter how I try.And yet, I trust you hold his life, and guide us through each day.My mind says savor each moment he's here,but my heart begs, "PLEASE let him stay"!From pacing the surgical waiting room, to sitting by his bed.From wishing for a good nights sleep, to learning every med.From wondering, "will he be alright?", to watching him reach out his hands.With every smile my heart just melts, despite life's harsh demands.For all who see that faded line.I look to them and smile.You see my child is loved so much.I would face ANY trial.That scar I trace with my finger (It's the door to his beautiful heart).God must have known how much I'd love him (Just as He loved him from the start).A heart mom is always a heart mom.Now wise beyond her years.For those who have angels in heaven,Our hearts share in all of your tears.Every day I will try and remember,I was chosen for him (and no other).I will always embrace that beautiful day.......When I became a "Heart Mother"

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Giving Thanks for my children's LOVE

Mothers day was just another day until I had Connor.

Connor has given me so many things to be thankful for and being his mom is the joy of my life, You see I was the lucky one I had so much a good husband that sometimes I didn't want to run over :) and back up and do it again beautiful children a warm home a good job. Don't think my life is a fairy tale I have had my ups and downs and I choose to move forward and learn from my bumps in the road ( Divorce, Abuse, Struggle with baby blues etc.) but all are in the past and I took life for granted!!! All the little things I just rushed through my day thinking only of myself not how I should never take for granted my children but in away I did. I have three children from my first marriage, being young and absolutely stupid I took their life for granted I was too busy to realize one day they would be grown and too busy for me. I had my first with my new husband and things were so tough then I worked a lot to make ends meet and never slowed down to enjoy my little whittney then when she was 7 I became pregnant with Josslyn it was unexpected but I wanted a new baby I was older and so I thought wiser when she was born she brought such joy and peace to me that I overly joyed to be a mom again. 9 months went by and I was so so tired that I went to the doctors to see if I had a problem yes there was a problem Houston but nothing 7 more months wouldn't solve. I was unsettled and just shocked to be prego again the hard part was my husband yes the one I want to run over half the time hates prego ladies .......Yes he hates me getting big and fat as he calls it and being pregnant with him is so so much fun I was sad to tell him that I was expecting another and expected a hell storm from him when I told him. The pregnancy went on and I kept on feeling something was wrong not sure what I just knew. I also felt so sad since my husband was so unhappy with me prego I just kept on thinking if I have this baby it all will be better just push on then Connor was born and the rest is history. 
When all was said and done the guilt I had for Connor's condition that I felt that in someway I was to blame and yes I still feel that pain.....
 I think back when I was prego that maybe if I wasn't sad most of the time I would of have had a healthy baby or maybe god knew that I needed Connor to put my life in prospective who knows just a lot of guilt 

I feel that I have been given so much and learned more about life, love, what it is to feel such pain that I have aged well beyond my age, I go to work and hear all the women gossiping and talking and I feel so out of it..........I just don't care and I know I don't belong with them. I sometimes feel alone and find myself seeking the comfort of my stalking on the blogs to feel where I do belong.

I am forever grateful for my children for putting up with all my mistakes, my wrong turns, my I was just to dumb and young to know. I hope with all I have done they turn out to be better person have
................... Truth 
...................... A good loving person to all

okay I am done rambling on on but remember this is my therapy and sometimes this is what I need :)

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