Love of my Life

Love of my Life

Heart Mother

One day my world came crashing down,I'll never be the same.They told me that my child was sick.I thought, "am I to blame"?I don't think I can handle this.I am really not that strong.It seemed my heart was breaking.I have loved him for so long.I will not give up on this child.I will listen to your advice.I will give my child any chance.No matter what the price.I will learn all that I need to help my child thrive.I'll even use that feeding tube.My child must survive!Will he need a lot of therapy?Will he gain the needed weight?Please God, help me do this.I will accept our fate.When the monitors beep at night, it serves as my reminder.How many parents would love that sound.Tomorrow I will be kinder.As another Angel earns his wings,I run to my child's bed.I watch him sleep for quite a while.I bend down and kiss his head.I cry for the parents whose hearts have been broken.I look to You wondering why?Oh Lord, I just can't know your matter how I try.And yet, I trust you hold his life, and guide us through each day.My mind says savor each moment he's here,but my heart begs, "PLEASE let him stay"!From pacing the surgical waiting room, to sitting by his bed.From wishing for a good nights sleep, to learning every med.From wondering, "will he be alright?", to watching him reach out his hands.With every smile my heart just melts, despite life's harsh demands.For all who see that faded line.I look to them and smile.You see my child is loved so much.I would face ANY trial.That scar I trace with my finger (It's the door to his beautiful heart).God must have known how much I'd love him (Just as He loved him from the start).A heart mom is always a heart mom.Now wise beyond her years.For those who have angels in heaven,Our hearts share in all of your tears.Every day I will try and remember,I was chosen for him (and no other).I will always embrace that beautiful day.......When I became a "Heart Mother"

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Hope with a lot of heart

Last Saturday I had the chance to attend The inter mountain healing heart Heart mothers lunch. I was so excited to go this year since last year Connor was in the hospital and I couldn't attend.
 I had asked my sister and mom to go with me but at last minute they could not go, I thought about just not going but if I did that every time I wanted to do something and someone could not go with me I would sit in my house and rot.

I hurried and packed up the kids and drove down to my friends Ashley's house to have her watch the kids while I went to lunch.
Being on time for me ....Yes I was about 30 minutes late my normal day to day on time, I walked in to be greeted with wonderful music and decor of black red and white with hearts!!!! It looked so festive and I must admit I was shocked to see how many heart moms where there......... I know healing hearts has a lot of members but I guess when you see them all in one room it is over whelming!!!! To think that we are all going through this together, The defects might be different but the pain and tears are all the same we just want our babies to be well.

I felt so alone I almost left ...................... I must be a weird one coming alone to this event.

 I hurried and got a plate and felt my face flush when I had to pick a seat ,I didn't want to sit with people I didn't know so I picked out a table in the very very back corner so I could watch everyone and not be noticed. 

I have always been shy I know people have a hard time see that but I over came my fear of being in front of people talking when I became a flight attendant and that was a hard day for me I think I shook like a tree when it was time for my first flight I almost lost my cookies too :) But even today I am shy I just try to push myself not to be.

I sat down and was looking to see if I could find the people I follow on their blogs when I felt someone come and sit by me, It was Annie Staten !!!!!
I have followed her son Conner from the beginning and have always admired her spirit her love for her family and son. She was so sweet to spot me and invite me to come and join them at their table.

 I jumped at the opportunity It was such nice and caring thing to do when I was feeling a little over whelmed being there alone.

Annie was with her mom and two other heart moms and it was so nice to be there with them,

The president of inter mountain healing hearts stood and started the program saying she wanted to give us HOPE that in the hard things that we face day to day that in our hearts we can have HOPE it was inspiring and she is truly a sweet and amazing person.

After that she wanted us all to stand and say who we are who we brought and our child's CHD.

Okay sounds stupid my heart dropped into my gut I hate having to do that I also felt I was the only one their alone so how stupid will that look.

We were to bring the person that helped me through the rough times ?????? and I came alone..............
 ironic isn't it!!!!! at the hospital most of the time I was faced with all of it alone and now here at a luncheon I am alone.

 I started laughing................. o well life is life and it keeps on reminding me I am alone in this adventure but I will be strong, OK sometimes I'm not!  I cry a lot when I am alone and I don't have to explain myself or apologize for making the other people uncomfortable.

I made it through it and it was inspiring to hear and see the love and courage all of us have and how we have gone through hell and are still kicking and screaming. I also realized these people get it .................they understand me I don't have to feel alone they have gone through this too. 

I heard from the friends I have followed and it felt like I had met some celebrities .............................because I have read all about these people and in my way have idolized them for different things but I have cried when they have bad days and laughed when they have those I can't believe days.

I meet Logans mom and Severins mom and they are so wonderful and they inspire me, I felt like I have known them for years.

I cried when they played the video of our children and especial when I saw my Connor on the screen. They had our heart heroes and our Angel heart heroes. that was even harder on me I hate to see the loss of heart babies and their moms pain.

After I was able to meet some moms that I've wanted to meet I missed a few the ran out before I could say hi. 

These women get it and it made me laugh we are throwing out medical terms left and right like nothing. if a normal person heard us they would think we are odd but to us it is a normal conversation.

The Luncheon was the highlight of my year and I am forever grateful for a dear friend Annie for being so kind and so so sweet to me. Just so you know Annie I think your the best. You are truly my hero.


Annie said...

I just read your post from April 8th, and my heart just felt so many emotions. What a sweet, tender thing for Josslyn to say!

You are so sweet to say such kind things. I was so happy to see you and get to meet you! I'm SO happy we got to visit and spend some time together there!!!

Melissa said...

I'm glad that you stayed and had a good time!!

Heidi said...

Ivy it was to good to meet you on Saturday. You'll have to catch up on Logan
I love watching your little Connor grow and thrive- he is just steps ahead of Logan and it gives me HOPE.