Love of my Life

Love of my Life

Heart Mother

One day my world came crashing down,I'll never be the same.They told me that my child was sick.I thought, "am I to blame"?I don't think I can handle this.I am really not that strong.It seemed my heart was breaking.I have loved him for so long.I will not give up on this child.I will listen to your advice.I will give my child any chance.No matter what the price.I will learn all that I need to help my child thrive.I'll even use that feeding tube.My child must survive!Will he need a lot of therapy?Will he gain the needed weight?Please God, help me do this.I will accept our fate.When the monitors beep at night, it serves as my reminder.How many parents would love that sound.Tomorrow I will be kinder.As another Angel earns his wings,I run to my child's bed.I watch him sleep for quite a while.I bend down and kiss his head.I cry for the parents whose hearts have been broken.I look to You wondering why?Oh Lord, I just can't know your matter how I try.And yet, I trust you hold his life, and guide us through each day.My mind says savor each moment he's here,but my heart begs, "PLEASE let him stay"!From pacing the surgical waiting room, to sitting by his bed.From wishing for a good nights sleep, to learning every med.From wondering, "will he be alright?", to watching him reach out his hands.With every smile my heart just melts, despite life's harsh demands.For all who see that faded line.I look to them and smile.You see my child is loved so much.I would face ANY trial.That scar I trace with my finger (It's the door to his beautiful heart).God must have known how much I'd love him (Just as He loved him from the start).A heart mom is always a heart mom.Now wise beyond her years.For those who have angels in heaven,Our hearts share in all of your tears.Every day I will try and remember,I was chosen for him (and no other).I will always embrace that beautiful day.......When I became a "Heart Mother"

Monday, June 6, 2011

For those that wonder why I am the way I am

I can't explain how many times people say to me so Connor is all done with surgery and all better?? I tell them NO the road ahead of us is long but we are here!!!

I think this explains to some that have not gone through what us heart moms have to give you a look and why sometime I look tired or angry, just don't want to talk and when I just need you to listen so I feel that I'm not losing my mind, soul and heart.

My life has changed for the better but still it's a trial and I'm not a saint.

What does it mean to be the parent of a child with a heart defect? It means going into your baby’s room a dozen times a night just to check to see if he’s still breathing. It means standing over the crib to watch the chest rise and fall and when you don’t see it move, you begin to panic and put your head down close to your baby’s face to try and hear him breathe. It means that when you don’t see the chest move and you don’t hear him breathing (because your own heart’s beating is drowning out any other sound in the room), you put your finger under the baby’s nose to feel the air on your finger – until you wake the baby and it stirs – and you’re thankful, so thankful that he’s still with you. It means feeling a huge sense of relief when he hears you and opens his eyes and smiles. It means saying a prayer of thanks for another day. It means measuring out his medication and panicking if he spits some of it out. How much did he spit out? One cc? Two or three? Then wondering if you should guesstimate how much more he should have and if you’d overmedicate him. It means checking his nail beds against your own to determine how blue he is today. It means asking your husband, your mother, or your sister, “Do his lips look blue to you?” It means snuggling him in an extra blanket for fear he won’t be warm enough. It means worrying that even a sniffle could cause an infection that could harm his heart. It means taking your baby to the doctor and worrying that he will catch something in the waiting room, so you walk back and forth in the corridor until the nurse calls his name and takes you straight back to the examination room. It means knowing that everyday is a blessing and a gift. It means knowing that you are the luckiest person in the world, just to be a parent. It means cherishing every moment, every breath with such intensity that you feel tears come to your eyes for no apparent reason. It means praying for a miracle to save your baby’s life. It means praying your marriage is strong enough to endure the hospitalizations, separations, and grief. It means praying for the will to live, even if your baby doesn’t. It means your own heart knows a pain, no parent should know. It means feeling weak, helpless, angry, and depressed because your child’s fate is out of your hands. It means feeling strong, determined, and brave because you know you have to be. It means your love knows new unlimited boundaries. It means your pride in your child’s accomplishments is unparalleled. It means your pain has taught you a deeper sense of compassion than you ever imagined. It means we are all united by the same feelings.

So next time I look beaten just hug me


Angee and Thom said...

Amen Ivy Amen. Thank you for putting my feeling into words, you make me cry with joy to know I am not alone in this heart Mommy journey. All my love to you!

Heidi said...

AMEN- its like you just wrote my very thoughts of the day. Even if most people don't understand us, we understand each other :)

Waite Family said...

I happened across your blog from another heart friends blog. Our little boys are about one year apart and both have some of the same special heart conditions. Your Connor it adorable. Maybe we can give each other help and support as we face the fontan about the same time. Best of luck and heart hugs, Joshua's mom (Sarah)

Natacia said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I have been meaning to comment on something because I don't work at Primary's anymore :( , I hope you haven't had to go in there very much but I will miss seeing you guys. I am glad I can follow your blog, Connor is so big and cute he looks just like an angel as always!