Love of my Life

Love of my Life

Heart Mother

One day my world came crashing down,I'll never be the same.They told me that my child was sick.I thought, "am I to blame"?I don't think I can handle this.I am really not that strong.It seemed my heart was breaking.I have loved him for so long.I will not give up on this child.I will listen to your advice.I will give my child any chance.No matter what the price.I will learn all that I need to help my child thrive.I'll even use that feeding tube.My child must survive!Will he need a lot of therapy?Will he gain the needed weight?Please God, help me do this.I will accept our fate.When the monitors beep at night, it serves as my reminder.How many parents would love that sound.Tomorrow I will be kinder.As another Angel earns his wings,I run to my child's bed.I watch him sleep for quite a while.I bend down and kiss his head.I cry for the parents whose hearts have been broken.I look to You wondering why?Oh Lord, I just can't know your matter how I try.And yet, I trust you hold his life, and guide us through each day.My mind says savor each moment he's here,but my heart begs, "PLEASE let him stay"!From pacing the surgical waiting room, to sitting by his bed.From wishing for a good nights sleep, to learning every med.From wondering, "will he be alright?", to watching him reach out his hands.With every smile my heart just melts, despite life's harsh demands.For all who see that faded line.I look to them and smile.You see my child is loved so much.I would face ANY trial.That scar I trace with my finger (It's the door to his beautiful heart).God must have known how much I'd love him (Just as He loved him from the start).A heart mom is always a heart mom.Now wise beyond her years.For those who have angels in heaven,Our hearts share in all of your tears.Every day I will try and remember,I was chosen for him (and no other).I will always embrace that beautiful day.......When I became a "Heart Mother"

Wednesday, August 3, 2011


There are so many times I've written a post but never published it ...I guess it is the raw feelings that I express on the post about life. The life of a heart mom, ME.

My bad days

Do I have a right to have those?

I wonder isn't it enough to worry about my BABY then add the normal life problems and then Marriage

I read other blogs and see the closeness of the couple or their love and I don't want to be so negative so I just hide the hurt, worry and pain of the life

I want to be supported and perfect but its not like that for all right or am I just alone

I've been told that I am complainer in short that I like to be a martyr I wanted to slap that person and say walk in my shoes and that is when I've kept it in and never to be complain again I just do what I have to do and cry when no one is looking

I post the best which is the life and love of my son but the between stuff is kept within me

I started the writing to express the true feelings of me and the road and journey that HRHS given ME

Instead I write about the Sun and Fun which is fine unless I have a day like today then it feels fake

I want the few that read this to know I am just a MOM/ wife trying to make my way through my life with what is handed to me

Don't get me wrong let me explain its is like being on a roller coaster the highs are high and the lows are low. and when it gets to the low part I look at my life relationship and wonder why I didn't see it.

But is it enough

Do I have P.T.S.S ?????

my next step is how to treat it and how can I heal from this

I have been told how god will not give you more then you can handle

Am I there ?????????

Knowing I have so much to be thankful for that I feel guilt to write of my feelings when I want just to be here for my Son

I just want PEACE

I use to love roller coasters but I never thought my life would be one .....I guess the joke is on me

Tomorrow will be better

1 comment:

Me said...

I just randomly clicked on your blog from Angel Bridger's. My name is Hilary Cook my son Daxton was born with Pulmonary Atresia with Coronary Anomally which resulted in him needing a heart transplant when he was 3 months old. I too went through post tramatic stress about a year after, and I know that many many heart moms have experienced the same feelings.

I think we forget that we are human beings, we feel, we get angry, we get sad, we cry and sometimes we just can't keep it all together.

It has been almost 3 years since transplant and I still feel these emotions. A new one is guilt at getting upset at Dax. He is a typical 3 year old and he screams A LOT and he has decided not to sleep through the night. These are all very frustrating but then I feel like I can't feel these because I am sooooo grateful that he is here and that I can snuggle in the middle of the night.

Sorry to babble but I just wanted to offer you some support. This journey is hard and every ones road is different but I am a firm believer of being honest with ourselves and others(even though I am not that great at it most of the time).

Hang in there....

P.S. Marriages are hard but then to add the stress of a heart condition.....not easy stuff. This too shall pass...