Love of my Life

Love of my Life

Heart Mother

One day my world came crashing down,I'll never be the same.They told me that my child was sick.I thought, "am I to blame"?I don't think I can handle this.I am really not that strong.It seemed my heart was breaking.I have loved him for so long.I will not give up on this child.I will listen to your advice.I will give my child any chance.No matter what the price.I will learn all that I need to help my child thrive.I'll even use that feeding tube.My child must survive!Will he need a lot of therapy?Will he gain the needed weight?Please God, help me do this.I will accept our fate.When the monitors beep at night, it serves as my reminder.How many parents would love that sound.Tomorrow I will be kinder.As another Angel earns his wings,I run to my child's bed.I watch him sleep for quite a while.I bend down and kiss his head.I cry for the parents whose hearts have been broken.I look to You wondering why?Oh Lord, I just can't know your matter how I try.And yet, I trust you hold his life, and guide us through each day.My mind says savor each moment he's here,but my heart begs, "PLEASE let him stay"!From pacing the surgical waiting room, to sitting by his bed.From wishing for a good nights sleep, to learning every med.From wondering, "will he be alright?", to watching him reach out his hands.With every smile my heart just melts, despite life's harsh demands.For all who see that faded line.I look to them and smile.You see my child is loved so much.I would face ANY trial.That scar I trace with my finger (It's the door to his beautiful heart).God must have known how much I'd love him (Just as He loved him from the start).A heart mom is always a heart mom.Now wise beyond her years.For those who have angels in heaven,Our hearts share in all of your tears.Every day I will try and remember,I was chosen for him (and no other).I will always embrace that beautiful day.......When I became a "Heart Mother"

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Yesterday we are so glad that day is over!!!

What a hell of a day we started ok but the Doctor wanted Connors artery lines pulled because they can cause infection and thats all it took. Our sweet nurse pulled the first line in the left leg then it was the right legs turn. everything was fine but it all it took was Connor to kick his leg and both sites started bleeding....It bled and bled the nurse put pressure on both arteries until his legs were blue it was awful and I have never been so scared the bleeding wouldn't stop. They gave him some morphine to put Connor to sleep so the bleeding would stop. the day would of been bad enough just with that but it kept on getting worse they had to sedate him for a heart echo and after two doses it didn't work, The nurse kept on pushing the meds and nothing worked......It got to the point where I asked how much they were going to give him. It only takes so much before he stops breathing, they had the bag mask ready and suction just in case. Like that made me feel any better . Finally after the 6th dose he fell into a dazed sleep so they could finish the echo on his heart. After the day was over I felt completely spent and this nothing compared to what is a head of us.

The next day the 8th we received the news the surgery was off. Relief ......yes and no......I had prepared my self to face this two weeks in front of us but I knew it had to happen and then it would be over and we would be done( cross our fingers ) for a while but now it's off again... too risky they told us the success rate would be 92% instead of 98%  to do it and why would we gamble with my sweet connors life. So the plan is come back in three weeks and then do it. This is were it is hard I have to get ready again for the pending surgery.....and it drains me each time I think about it. Let me explain you watch your child go through the painful procedures day after day, and hear the crying and see the pain in his eyes the looks that make your soul hurt and want to scoop up your baby and run for the exit. I tell my self he knows I love him or I wouldn't let them hurt him but it stills makes you feel like you are carrying a thousand pound weight around your heart...On top of it all you then  have to give him to them on the day of surgery and watch them carry him away, its odd while they have him your arms want nothing more then your baby and you have this empty feeling within your soul you are not complete with out him. The Worse feeling in life!

So we will come back and mentally will be ready to face the roller coaster. But for now it is home for us we have a new thing....... oxygen 24-7 but it will help his color and get Connor ready for the pending surgery.

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