Love of my Life

Love of my Life

Heart Mother

One day my world came crashing down,I'll never be the same.They told me that my child was sick.I thought, "am I to blame"?I don't think I can handle this.I am really not that strong.It seemed my heart was breaking.I have loved him for so long.I will not give up on this child.I will listen to your advice.I will give my child any chance.No matter what the price.I will learn all that I need to help my child thrive.I'll even use that feeding tube.My child must survive!Will he need a lot of therapy?Will he gain the needed weight?Please God, help me do this.I will accept our fate.When the monitors beep at night, it serves as my reminder.How many parents would love that sound.Tomorrow I will be kinder.As another Angel earns his wings,I run to my child's bed.I watch him sleep for quite a while.I bend down and kiss his head.I cry for the parents whose hearts have been broken.I look to You wondering why?Oh Lord, I just can't know your matter how I try.And yet, I trust you hold his life, and guide us through each day.My mind says savor each moment he's here,but my heart begs, "PLEASE let him stay"!From pacing the surgical waiting room, to sitting by his bed.From wishing for a good nights sleep, to learning every med.From wondering, "will he be alright?", to watching him reach out his hands.With every smile my heart just melts, despite life's harsh demands.For all who see that faded line.I look to them and smile.You see my child is loved so much.I would face ANY trial.That scar I trace with my finger (It's the door to his beautiful heart).God must have known how much I'd love him (Just as He loved him from the start).A heart mom is always a heart mom.Now wise beyond her years.For those who have angels in heaven,Our hearts share in all of your tears.Every day I will try and remember,I was chosen for him (and no other).I will always embrace that beautiful day.......When I became a "Heart Mother"

Monday, August 23, 2010

True colors with a whole a llot of DRAMA

Have you ever had one of those days that lets you know where you stand in life.....................I knew when I planned on having my surgery there was never going to be a perfect time or enough help. I thought how bad can it be I will be down 5 or more days and then bounce back......................Boy I must of lived in a fantasy world being cut in half and having 4 drains in and not being able to lay flat or get up with out some one to help lift me up............the nausea, the pain, the not being able to pick up my babies, do laundry clean, cook and no one that I live with knows how to pick after themselves and take care of anyone else but number 1 .............True colors came out today It all started with I am going golfing if the baby wakes call me Ill take the 2 year old with me okay no problem it should just be a few hours not all day and then he can help...................................After golf it was we are playing basketball call me on the cell if the kids need anything ...........Yes their in the living room and I'm in bed on my back...........okay it will only be a few hours more then I'll get some help and maybe some food too late I didn't eat so now I'll pay by throwing up great I can feel all my stitches pulling as I puke.......................Then it was we all are going to have lunch and leave the mess for later but nothing for me because it was too spicy for my weak stomach to take ..............................In the mean while I couldnt get out of bed and was stuck waiting for him to come which looked and walked out the door I finally rolled off the bed walked as fast to the bathroom to find the seat was up which I could 'nt slam down because I would wake my baby sleeping in my bed so I fell half ay off and peed on the floor my all time low. .........I cant cry you see it hurts to bad so I started gasping for air ................After all is said and done this is what I deserve ?????????????     Later on while this certain persons best buddy left for a few hours he asked whats wrong with me maybe I need to seek a counselor to help Really I mean really is this it?????????
You see I had to have him take work off and this trip consisted of Him his brother and his new girlfriend ( Which he told his wife is over but they fly together because thats what you do when you are trying to work out your life with your wife right???O my best friend is their Flight attendant and had to hear all the details of their love life together) IS this not a soap opera or what anyway my husband was upset that he had to stay and help me which was my last option seeing the care and the care of the children would get from him I would of done it alone and been okay I think anyway His brother since he did have his best friend my hubby to fly with called in sick so he could golf and play with him all day at my house so I didn't have any one to help me ....................Okay is the picture getting clearer on with the drama later after his brother left I was told how he is so depressed being home taking care of us and he didn't not sign up for this ...............In the mean time all the neighbors had come by to see if they could help but as charming as my hubby is said he had it all under control and went on with his busy busy depressing day of staying with us. I was told it had been 5 days to get up and get somethings done around the house and why did I act like I am in pain .......................ITS THEN IT HITS YOU THIS IS YOUR LIFE THIS WHAT IS HEAD OF YOU AND IF YOU EVER GOD FORBID GOT REALLY ILL THIS ALL YOU Have. I stop to night to tell all I dont live a perfect life I live life I work hard for what I have and I also swallow my pride everyday to make sure I am here for my kids and live my life with love and with eyes wide open I have been here for the last 13 years have seen it all and heard it all untill one day it just doesnt matter as much as your kids I dont write to make him look bad I write to tell how sometimes when things look so perfect it really is just the opposite we all cope and this is MY LIFE......................

1 comment:

One Happy Heart Family said...

Oh I am so sorry!! Wish I lived closer I would come help asap!! You know that right??? I am glad you posted this it's hard for anyone to admit their life is NOT perfect and probably will never be!! It's hard to find honest open people. No I don't think you made him look bad just stated the truth of how it is for most of us. What kind of surgery did u have? Just wondering?? I hope things getter better for you asap you are such a sweet loving beautiful person!! I just love you to death!! Please call or text me anytime you need really!!! Praying you get feeling better soon. Nothing is worse than Mommy being down and out. It's like all hell breaks loose and there is no coming back!! LOL :0)