Love of my Life

Love of my Life

Heart Mother

One day my world came crashing down,I'll never be the same.They told me that my child was sick.I thought, "am I to blame"?I don't think I can handle this.I am really not that strong.It seemed my heart was breaking.I have loved him for so long.I will not give up on this child.I will listen to your advice.I will give my child any chance.No matter what the price.I will learn all that I need to help my child thrive.I'll even use that feeding tube.My child must survive!Will he need a lot of therapy?Will he gain the needed weight?Please God, help me do this.I will accept our fate.When the monitors beep at night, it serves as my reminder.How many parents would love that sound.Tomorrow I will be kinder.As another Angel earns his wings,I run to my child's bed.I watch him sleep for quite a while.I bend down and kiss his head.I cry for the parents whose hearts have been broken.I look to You wondering why?Oh Lord, I just can't know your matter how I try.And yet, I trust you hold his life, and guide us through each day.My mind says savor each moment he's here,but my heart begs, "PLEASE let him stay"!From pacing the surgical waiting room, to sitting by his bed.From wishing for a good nights sleep, to learning every med.From wondering, "will he be alright?", to watching him reach out his hands.With every smile my heart just melts, despite life's harsh demands.For all who see that faded line.I look to them and smile.You see my child is loved so much.I would face ANY trial.That scar I trace with my finger (It's the door to his beautiful heart).God must have known how much I'd love him (Just as He loved him from the start).A heart mom is always a heart mom.Now wise beyond her years.For those who have angels in heaven,Our hearts share in all of your tears.Every day I will try and remember,I was chosen for him (and no other).I will always embrace that beautiful day.......When I became a "Heart Mother"

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

How it all began

I was asked to recall what happened the first days of Connors I sit and write down what I remember the hurt that I felt that day comes back to haunt me. I know it has never gone away but it is so hard to explain, every time I drive by or go into the hospital where it all happened my heart sinks and I feel that feeling of hurt and sorrow. I never thought I would be recalling all that happened , I feel that I buried all my feelings and once again I have to relive it again.......... so here is how it all began

During my pregnacny I felt something wrong, hard to explain but the saying "listen to your heart" kept on coming to me at every doctors appointment.

I was to turn 35 right before Connor was due in December, So with that little voice in my head I wanted to get the extra screening, at 8 weeks I went to Mckay Dee hospital to do a blood test and a ultra sound. then again at 12 weeks another blood test. As far as the ultra sound Dr. Mc Culloch wanted  me to go to the specialist for the ultras sound at 22 weeks for the extra screening because of my age.

August 26th 2009

The day of the High risk ultra sound.

During the Ultra sound the tech seemed to be in a hurry, I have had 5 other children and am use to the drill and this ultra sound was rushed.
The tech kept on saying on your next ultra sound you'll see more. I was a little confused since Dr. Mc Culloch had not mentioned any more ultra sounds after this one.

Dr. Birch came in and looked at the pictures of the baby, and said everything looks wonderful. Shane and I asked if there was any chance that the baby could have down syndrom, or anything else. Dr. Birch said he could not say 100% But he was 99.9 % sure Connor looked perfect.

Dr. Birch also went on to say, in this country that is sue happy and that how hard things are because everyone sues the doctors for this and that, He went on for 15 minutes on the subject.

In October, I sent Dr. Mc Culloch a email asking her if I would be getting another ultra sound since the tech kept on saying it to me, I felt during my ultra sound that the tech was rushed. She wrote back to me, and said there was no need for another ultra sound, everything came back perfect and she would see me at my next appointment.

On the 30th of December, I drove to the hospital, and was admitted to labor and delivery, it was around 8am.

As labor progressed on, the epidural did not take, and I ended up having Connor natural with a burning feeling running down the bottom of both my  legs, which was worse then the labor pain itself.

 In the end Connors heart beat dropped and stayed down,The nurse tried to correct it by turning me on my side. Connor was in distress during delivery.

Right as I delivered Connor my attending nurse Dee had to leave and help another women who needed her more then I. Two nurses came in and took her place.
With all the confusion going on in the room and outside I asked what was wrong the new nurse told me 6 others were delivering at the same time, they were short staffed.

Connor was born and handed right to me. He was blue and his hands were purple he was making a cooing sound ( which after all that happened to him in the next 48 hours I found out when babies are in distress breathing they make a humming cooing sound to help them breath.)

The nurses took him to the baby bassinet to do the medical checks. The nurse kept on saying that she normally didn't do the baby checks that the NICO were to do it but they were so under staffed with all of us giving birth that I got one of the labor and delivery nurses instead. At this time he was still pretty blue I kept on asking if he was okay and they said they were going to give him some oxygen to pink him up.

Connor and I were moved into the recovery floor. I noticed Connor was still making the cooing sounds,.at the time I thought how sweet he is cooing already,

A young nurse came in to take Connor to his bath. Shane left with the baby and that was the last time I got to see him before he was taken to the NICU.

An hour went by the nurse returned to tell me that Connor during his bath was having trouble breathing and they had to administer oxygen to him. He was not responding to the oxygen.
My heart stopped I could not breath, everything hurt.

Shane was with Connor in the NICU and she asked if I would like to go to see him.

I was taken down to the NICU.

Here is Shane's account of what happened during the time he was with him until he was taken to the NICU:

I left with Connor to help with his bath, During the bath Connors lips turned blue and the nurse immediately she put oxygen on him and a pulse ox.

He was reading between 84-87 on the o2 sensor. We waited to see if the oxygen helped, The nurse turned the oxygen up and still no change.

The nurse decieced it was time to take him down to the NICU to have him checked out.

Once we were down in the NICU there seemed to be some confusion on what to do next and how to get ahold of the doctors.

The nurse asked if she should get Sheri, I told them not until they had a Doctor here and had some answers for her. I also warned them they better get the Doctor here soon to take care of Connor it had been a hour and still no answers.

Dr. Mckenna Showed up and thats when Sheri was brought down to the NICU.

There was discussion if they were going to let me see my son since it was the changing of nurses and they didn't want to let me.
 After I pleaded with them to please let me be with him ( I was sobbing uncontrollably at this time) They let me in.

Connor had an IV in his head and they were breathing for him with the tubes down his throat trying to get him to receive more oxygen.

Dr. Mckenna was there and told me not to worry they had done a chest x ray and he showed me that Connors heart was 20% bigger then it was suppose to be, I asked if that was wrong and he said no that they could hear crackling in his lungs and that it was a problem with Connor being premature. also a small murmur nothing big??

I reassured him that I was 39 weeks along and all the ultra sounds all were true to date.

Dr. Mckenna said he had to run to a family party but would check on him later.

 I watched  his saturations never changed through the night, I stayed by Connors side.

Early in the morning Dr. Mckenna called and wanted the nurse to give Connor Surfactant for his lung to help open up the air sacs in his lungs ( they give it to premature infants to mature their lungs)

The therapist ( 20 years at his job) that was there to over see Connors breathing,told me that if it was to work it would within a couple of minutes. They gave it to him,  nothing happened saturations stayed the same no change.

Dr. Mckenna dropped in later in the morning to see if the medication had worked and it hadn't, So  he  ordered another round.

 I asked if we could have the ultra sound done, Dr. Mckenna said lets wait and see how Connor response to another round before he would order the ultra sound on his heart. He said he was off today but his partner would be around later to check on Connor.

 I sat and waited with Connor until into the afternoon at that time my attending doctor needed me to return to my room so they could give me the green light to leave .

I left Connor and returned to my room.

After I saw my doctor I talked to my mom that suggested that we get Connor to primary's We did not understand how they still did not know what was causing the breathing problem and it had been 24 hours.

I called the nurse in.
I told the nurse that I was so upset how they were just doing the wait and see and telling me not to worry.

It was not working and I wanted to get Connor moved asap to Primary children's hospital.

The nurse told me to hold tight she was going to make some phone calls to see what needed to be done and also to get the Doctor on the line since no one had been by to check on Connor progress or lack of it, I felt they were doing nothing to help. The nurse told me she would call him to see what the plan was and to have him call me.

A few minutes later a charge nurse came in and asked what I wanted to do and  how could she help.

 I broke down and told her how my son was not being taken care of and that they are just doing nothing to make him better and that I want a ultra sound on his heart.  I felt that it was odd that his heart was enlarged. She told me not worry and that she would make some phone calls

10 minutes later Dr. Bell called said he was Dr. Mckenna's partner and that he had ordered the echo on Connors heart. He would be there within the hour. I asked if I could be there while Connor had the ultra sound, he said yes.

I  went down stairs to wait for the Doctor to arrive, When I entered the NICU they had already started the echo on Connor. The nurses all looked at me with a worried look, They told me that it was too full of people in the room to be with my Son and to please wait around the corner.

Dr. Bell came out of Connors room within 20 minutes and told me Connor was being Life Flighted to Primary Children's that he had a heart defect that affected his great Arteries.

I started to fall apart I was all alone,  I asked if they could help me call my husband.

asked if I could see Connor and they told me to come in.

Life Flight would be there within 15 minutes.

I called my husband, he could not understand me. Shane could not understand me. I was  in shock and I was not able to stand,  I heard the nurse say she needs to hold Connor now before they take him.

 I kept on asking was he going to die no one would answer me.

They handed me Connor and took photos of  Shane and me holding him.

The nurses told me it was time, They told me to kiss him and I gave him to them, The Life flight Team intruduce themselves to us and took charge of the situation. The life flight nurse took Connor and placed him into the bassinet.

They told us we could walk out to the helicopter.We walked with Connor and we watched until we saw them take off.

When we arrived at primary children they told us how lucky we were since his PDA was almost closed and if it would have he would not have made it, in fact his PDA was so small they didn't know if they could reopen it. Logan had waited too long to give Connor the medication to keep the hole open.

They also asked if I had a ultra sound with Connor and how did they miss all four heart defects that Connor has.

One doctor told us that Logan has no business in taking care of a infant with this major heart problem

We wasted so much time at logan it almost cost his life. the crackling they heard was the hole in his heart and the damage they did to his lungs with all the high pressure oxygen he received is unknown.

I will never be able to forget the pain when they told me to kiss him goodbye and handed me the photos of him with me. I felt in my heart that this is it...... he will never be in my arms again.
the fear, the pain, the sorrow is still in my heart and I will never forget.

As the Life flight lifted off Shane said "how he felt so much sorrow that his son could pass away on his way to Primary childrens and not one person he knows would even be with him"


Heidi said...

This breaks my heart to read. I am so glad they FINALLY figured things out and that he made it! I took my baby home not knowing a thing was wrong for 4 days. I am so grateful for the doctors and nurses that help him, but it is also hard when your baby is just another baby being born and they don't take time to realize something is seriously wrong.

One Happy Heart Family said...

Wow what an adventure for you guys!! I love that you shared your story!! I would bawl the whole time writing mine!! Thats hurts that no one listened to you, Mommy always knows best!! Deep down inside I knew Kylie wasn't going to be "healty" We were told at 6 weeks there was no heart beat and I was going to miscarry anyday now, just wait and see. When we went in 2 weeks later there it was that tiny little flicker that just makes you melt. As the time went on, Kylie tested + for down syndrome, weird way to find out. So we actually never had our 20 week big ultrasound we were sent over to ORMC for a specialist to look for down, thats the day they confirmed it was a girl and they were worried about her heart, we were so confused. Deep down I knew there wasn't something right, but I would never admit that to anyone. We found out about her heart and from there it was another story!! I guess it's a win loose situation to know before and not know until after, my pregnacy was the most depressing time of my life. :S I hope all is well at your house?? Thanks for sharing!!! XOXOXO Chrisse