Love of my Life

Love of my Life

Heart Mother

One day my world came crashing down,I'll never be the same.They told me that my child was sick.I thought, "am I to blame"?I don't think I can handle this.I am really not that strong.It seemed my heart was breaking.I have loved him for so long.I will not give up on this child.I will listen to your advice.I will give my child any chance.No matter what the price.I will learn all that I need to help my child thrive.I'll even use that feeding tube.My child must survive!Will he need a lot of therapy?Will he gain the needed weight?Please God, help me do this.I will accept our fate.When the monitors beep at night, it serves as my reminder.How many parents would love that sound.Tomorrow I will be kinder.As another Angel earns his wings,I run to my child's bed.I watch him sleep for quite a while.I bend down and kiss his head.I cry for the parents whose hearts have been broken.I look to You wondering why?Oh Lord, I just can't know your matter how I try.And yet, I trust you hold his life, and guide us through each day.My mind says savor each moment he's here,but my heart begs, "PLEASE let him stay"!From pacing the surgical waiting room, to sitting by his bed.From wishing for a good nights sleep, to learning every med.From wondering, "will he be alright?", to watching him reach out his hands.With every smile my heart just melts, despite life's harsh demands.For all who see that faded line.I look to them and smile.You see my child is loved so much.I would face ANY trial.That scar I trace with my finger (It's the door to his beautiful heart).God must have known how much I'd love him (Just as He loved him from the start).A heart mom is always a heart mom.Now wise beyond her years.For those who have angels in heaven,Our hearts share in all of your tears.Every day I will try and remember,I was chosen for him (and no other).I will always embrace that beautiful day.......When I became a "Heart Mother"

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Why do I work

Connor has had a rough winter. No matter what I do it seems he keeps on getting sick, partly because his older sister keeps on coming home sick...........

So this week my little man came down with a high fever ................... my favorite doctor got a text from me at 2am asking for his help
 I was afraid that it was a infection or something worse.

Con was checked out and nothing was found..... no runny...... nose ear problems sore throat. but the fever continued

after all night without sleep I put him in the tub and I lifted him up he turned grey my heart sank I started shaking so hard that I could not dial my phone after the third time the call went through. I sat there rocking my baby that had blue lips, finger and toes.
 I called our doctor to come and check him out again it only lasted for a minute or two but I stood there holding my baby for 30 minutes just crying thinking something is really wrong.

Again the doctor checked him out and nothing was found.....

Three days went by and connor was doing much better no fever and acting a little tried but nothing too bad. I had to go to work and I hate leaving him it was a short trip but with him being sick and all I wanted to stay but thought we were through the worst???

I left and started work at 4pm  around 8pm I called the babysitter she said all was well but Connor looked a little blue to her, I asked her to hook him up to his stat machine and let me know I had to go. She texted me and told me that he was at 80 I asked her to call the doctor if he dropped any lower then that and I left on my flight not really bothered just thinking he was getting late and at night his stats drop a little.

When I landed and all the passengers were off I turned on my phone and the text messages started coming in...................
 not from my babysitter but from my doctor stating that he had been called because Connors sats had dropped down to 74 and stayed there. He also said that he was a little blue when he got to my home.

 My heart sank, he continued to say that he was fine for now that they had hooked him to the sat for the night he had called down to primary childrens and they said if he drops lower that we would need to put him on oxygen and get him down to primarys.

I am in new mexico without any way home and the tears started and I could not stop them I walked through the airport calling my doctor asking him to fill me in I started shaking all I could think of is why. Why when I could not be there with him.

And I asked myself why do I work

All through the night I called every 15 minutes for a update not being able to sleep, In the middle of the night he started to pick up to be around 81 then as high as 83. I called Primary children's first thing in the morning to get Connor in to see his cardiologist and make sure he wasn't having more complications then we thought the doctor felt that he was fine to wait and be brought down the next day

I took Connor down to Primary's and they checked his x-ray and EKG and his Sats and the doctor felt that they xray showed a little bit of fluff in his lungs and ordered a Echo, My little man did so well he laid on the bed and did not move a muscle just watched his shrek movie and held my hand. So grown up for a little boy no meds were given to keep him calm.

After all the test nothing was found thank heavens and his heart looked great ( knock on wood)

After a long day down at the hospital and the last couple of days we have had all we ask for is rest and to be well.

I feel like a truck has run over me and then backed up and ran me over again

I thank our guardian Angel for watching over my sweet little boy and making sure he was alright while I was gone

Connor still looks pale but not blue and Ill take that any day <3

1 comment:

One Happy Heart Family said...

Oh Ivy, I am so sorry, sounds like we are having a "one of those days" week together. Glad he is okay, I hope this is comforting but Kylie does and has did the same thing for a while now. I got around going to PCMC friday and just got an xra at McKay Dee, her sedated echo is on the 25th so they thought she should be okay, we are in the same situation, if her sats drop any lower its o2 until her fontan, thats so weird they are doing the same thing, I thought it was because of the inversion, still do, ever since it cleared out she seems to be fine. Seeming we live so far apart, dont know if that would be his problem too?? Hey you know you can call or text me anytime, talk to some one who understands the feeling you get when your baby turns blue/purple/gray, sats drop and you freak out!! LOL

I have came to the fact I am a poor SAHM and thats it, yes it would be nice for me to work and be better off money wise and not be facing loosing my house. LOL Some day I might work again, if I ever get any kind of skill LOL

I am sorry your little guy is going through this, I feel everything is an issue to sat dropping and blue spells, the closer Kylie is getting the more she is blue, well she is blue all the time it just goes to deep purple now. Scared me everytime, I call her my little alien skinned girl because that grayish color lol I hope you are feeling better?? Let me know if I can help??? Love ya!! Chrissie