Love of my Life

Love of my Life

Heart Mother

One day my world came crashing down,I'll never be the same.They told me that my child was sick.I thought, "am I to blame"?I don't think I can handle this.I am really not that strong.It seemed my heart was breaking.I have loved him for so long.I will not give up on this child.I will listen to your advice.I will give my child any chance.No matter what the price.I will learn all that I need to help my child thrive.I'll even use that feeding tube.My child must survive!Will he need a lot of therapy?Will he gain the needed weight?Please God, help me do this.I will accept our fate.When the monitors beep at night, it serves as my reminder.How many parents would love that sound.Tomorrow I will be kinder.As another Angel earns his wings,I run to my child's bed.I watch him sleep for quite a while.I bend down and kiss his head.I cry for the parents whose hearts have been broken.I look to You wondering why?Oh Lord, I just can't know your matter how I try.And yet, I trust you hold his life, and guide us through each day.My mind says savor each moment he's here,but my heart begs, "PLEASE let him stay"!From pacing the surgical waiting room, to sitting by his bed.From wishing for a good nights sleep, to learning every med.From wondering, "will he be alright?", to watching him reach out his hands.With every smile my heart just melts, despite life's harsh demands.For all who see that faded line.I look to them and smile.You see my child is loved so much.I would face ANY trial.That scar I trace with my finger (It's the door to his beautiful heart).God must have known how much I'd love him (Just as He loved him from the start).A heart mom is always a heart mom.Now wise beyond her years.For those who have angels in heaven,Our hearts share in all of your tears.Every day I will try and remember,I was chosen for him (and no other).I will always embrace that beautiful day.......When I became a "Heart Mother"

Tuesday, March 1, 2011


I have found myself  reading my heart friends blogs late in the night crying for reasons I am not ready to share, I have been playing this role keeping a strong face on for those around me to see but late into the night my fears and hopes and dreams appear and my heart hurts

 I want to have someone fix me and I know It is only doing damage to me to think about the  negative but when one of the little ones earn their wings it hurts me to the core. It hits home and there is no escape for the reality of the future that is in front of my Connor.

my husband looks at the glass and see it as half full.  I look and see half empty, I never thought that I am a realist.   The facts get to me, I read all the medical facts, follow of the children that have CHD, And with this I have become a realist.

I can not ignore the reality and pretend that next time I have to walk Connor to the surgeon that I will be shaking with fear the fear that no one wants to talk about or feel. I just can not handle it but when the sun comes up I put it all behind me and look for the joy in the day.

 I read a article on PTSS (Post traumatic Stress Syndrome) Could I have that????  I seem to do things to help for the minute but when the time has past I feel a panic a heart wrenching fear that I play through my mind................ Could it be.

I have my good days and bad as you can see when you read my blog but for the most I feel the sense of something that I need to fix inside me I just don't know how


Angee and Thom said...

Oh Ivy, I am processing through the very same thoughts/feelings. It is not easy, I feel like I am cracking up. Lets talk, my email is Our boys have similar diagnosis', you are about 7 months ahead of us. I have read past posts on your blog, and have had a lot of the same experiences. I look forward to hearing from you.

Angee and Thom said...

oh and BTW I am super jealous of your arms! I always hope to have arms like that, I guess I need to work a little harder-or at all. heehee