Sometimes

I have found myself  reading my heart friends blogs late in the night crying for reasons I am not ready to share, I have been playing this role keeping a strong face on for those around me to see but late into the night my fears and hopes and dreams appear and my heart hurts

 I want to have someone fix me and I know It is only doing damage to me to think about the  negative but when one of the little ones earn their wings it hurts me to the core. It hits home and there is no escape for the reality of the future that is in front of my Connor.

my husband looks at the glass and see it as half full.  I look and see half empty, I never thought that I am a realist.   The facts get to me, I read all the medical facts, follow of the children that have CHD, And with this I have become a realist.

I can not ignore the reality and pretend that next time I have to walk Connor to the surgeon that I will be shaking with fear the fear that no one wants to talk about or feel. I just can not handle it but when the sun comes up I put it all behind me and look for the joy in the day.

 I read a article on PTSS (Post traumatic Stress Syndrome) Could I have that????  I seem to do things to help for the minute but when the time has past I feel a panic a heart wrenching fear that I play through my mind................ Could it be.

I have my good days and bad as you can see when you read my blog but for the most I feel the sense of something that I need to fix inside me I just don't know how